A few weeks into parenthood, I was hit with a disturbing thought: I realized that I couldn’t remember the last time my husband and I had had a conversation that wasn’t about the baby or housework. Despite being in the same space and going through this incredibly intimate process of new parenthood, it was starting to feel like we were living more as roommates than partners. It’s a terrifying concept when you’ve just made a major life decision with someone.
A quick Google search later, I realized that this concept was hardly unique to our situation. The so-called “roommate phase” has become a fairly well-documented part of becoming a new parent. But knowing it existed didn’t make it any less scary. After all, how would I know when it wasn’t normal? How long was it supposed to last?
I spoke with Kate Engler, a licensed marriage and family therapist at Three Points Relationships, about this phase that often happens during the early stages of parenthood.
What is the roommate phase?
There is not a clinical term for this phase other than the ‘transition to parenting‘ phase,” Kate explains. It is a phase that can be completely normal after having children. As Engler explained it, when a couple welcomes a child into their life, that initial period of time is spent in survival mode. Having a child can give parents tunnel vision, which is an important change to help bond with their children and zero in on meeting the baby’s needs.
However, that tunnel vision and level of focus on the baby also requires you to pull focus from other things — and that can often lead to a couple seemingly co-existing more as roommates than romantic partners. Engler explained that there are a few different causes behind this phase of parenthood:
Survival Mode/Sleep Deprivation
The erratic schedules of a baby’s feeding and sleep can mean parents get only a few hours of sleep themselves. Connecting with a partner requires mental, emotional, and physical energy, which many couples that are sleep-deprived just cannot find the space for.
Hormonal Changes
Having a child can create changes in the brain for both mothers and fathers. Basically, your brain goes through a sense of “tunnel vision” to help you better meet your child’s needs and bond with them. Putting that much focus and prioritization on someone else pulls the focus from your partner.
Feeling “Touched Out”
The physical and mental overstimulation that comes with hands-on caretaking can make it hard to give any of that energy to your relationship.
Is the roommate phase a normal part of parenthood?
While the roommate phase may sound scary, it’s a fairly standard part of new parenthood that Kate recommends couples actually plan for in advance. “It is hard to really know what it will be like to have a baby until you have one, and even if you have a child already, each additional child brings with them their own unique needs and experiences,” she tells me. “While you may not know exactly how it will play out, it is safe to assume there will be some version of roommate phase.”
With this in mind, planning for it in advance and speaking through it can be helpful. But, even more so, Engler stresses the importance of acknowledging the phase while going through it. “[If partners can name it while it’s happening] they don’t even really need to do anything else — and probably won’t have the energy to do,” she shares. “Simply acknowledging it and being extremely patient and compassionate with each other and themselves is huge.”
Engler recommends an occasional check-in but suggests you should avoid putting too much pressure on one another while it’s happening. “I wouldn’t encourage couples to push themselves to do too much more because there is already so much pressure on parents to be perfect and so much change happening when a new baby arrives.”
How do you work through it?
As far as working through the phase, acknowledging that the roommate phase is a normal and natural part of new parenthood can be the first step in working through it. Naming it can be helpful, such as checking in and saying something along the lines of “This week felt like we were deep in the roommate phase thing, didn’t it? I’ve been really tired and overwhelmed this week. I’m not trying to blow you off,” according to Engler.
But Engler stresses patience with yourself and your partner instead of diving in full force to “fix” it.
“Having children is a major life transition. We are not meant to adapt quickly to this, even though society tells us we should. Start with small moments of reconnection. If you are touched out, sit together and watch a show, spend five minutes talking about something other than logistics or the baby, eat a meal together. If you don’t have the brain space to chat, hug for 20 seconds (that’s how long it takes to activate oxytocin) or lie in bed together, take a walk and hold hands, give each other a shoulder rub/head massage, etc. — something non-sexual and low pressure. Finally, articulate your needs, where you are mentally/physically/emotionally, and what you have capacity for. Don’t make your partner guess because they will likely get it wrong,” she says.
When should you worry about the roommate phase?
When you’re in the midst of the roommate phase, it’s not abnormal to feel like something is “wrong.” After all, if you weren’t new parents, having a lack of emotional or physical connection would certainly feel like something is wrong. So, when should this phase become a worry?
First off, Engler shared that if either partner is feeling unhappy, sad, frustrated, or hopeless, it should be addressed. The upset partner should approach it gently, without blame or shame, and from a place of empathy.
If disconnection and separateness become the norm, though, she recommends addressing it. Now, this will look different for every couple, but she explained that most couples will know when the behavior has become a true problem.
“In couples therapy, there is a saying: small things often,'” Engler says. Small moments of connection go a long way, and the sooner a couple puts those into action after a baby comes home, the less likely they are to fall into dangerous roommate territory.
Whether you’re in the early days of the roommate phase or recognize it from the past, know that it’s pretty routine and even a healthy part of adding a new child into the mix. Granting yourself and your partner grace and acknowledging the phase are key to working through it in your own time.
