Losing bedroom real estate to kids is just part of being a parent. For many of us, we grow used to sleeping with one butt cheek hanging off the mattress as our toddler — who came in at midnight after a nightmare — starfishes in the middle, blithely unconcerned for our plight. Fortunately, it’s a stage, like any stage, that eventually ends… but not for one dad on Reddit. In a post on r/Parenting, Redditor u/FlopShanoobie sought advice on getting his bed back from his tween daughters.
“We have two daughters, 13 and 11,” he wrote in the subject, “and starting a couple of months ago I (the dad) haven’t slept in my own bed.”
Yikes. This is a tough one.
He explains that for “a long time” his youngest daughter would make a dramatic entrance in the middle of the night. The interruption, plus the child’s restless sleeping, prompted him to head into the guest room to avoid a night full of “flop(s), kick(s), and punch(es).”
Eventually, however, even getting into bed became a hassle: the poster’s youngest eventually just started getting into bed before him. “She’d already be in my space, asleep,” he wrote. “I’d try moving her but she’d always wake up and just come running right back in. So I basically started sleeping in the guest room.”
The onslaught of bed encroachers only got worse. Now, his oldest daughter, 13, has joined mom and sis in the primary bedroom. “I don’t even go upstairs any more,” he says. “The bed is full. Even on vacation my wife would have to sleep in the master bed with both of them while I was by myself in the second room.”
He’s tried to talk to his wife about a solution, but, he says, she’s hesitant about wanting to “shame” the kids for expressing an emotional need. Moreover, she “sort of loves the idea of the growing kids still needing her.” This is made more difficult by the fact that both daughters are, according to u/FlopShanoobie, very anxious and in therapy to help deal with it, though their therapist is off during the summer and so too are they.
“I’m sure this will be a great topic for them when they start back in September, but until then… any advice?” he asks.
Fellow Redditors were more than happy to toss in their two cents on the matter. And while some took a “tough love” approach with both u/FlopShanoobie and his family (“If they were really little, I might get it. But kids need to develop a sense of resiliency and independence as they get older, and your wife is intentionally stunting their emotional growth by continuing to sleep in the same bed with them”) most answers were measured and full of compassion for all involved. Yes, this was an issue that needed to be dealt with, but with thoughtfulness and care.
Several suggested that, perhaps, the daughters could share a room to help one another cope with their nighttime anxiety, including u/FancyButterscotch8, who was able to relate to the two daughters.
“I did the same thing at around 12,” they write. “I could hardly stand to be alone at all during that time. … From what I understand, during adolescence the brain starts undergoing changes in the way it responds to stress which can cause an increase in anxiety. I eventually went back to my own bed because my mom got sick (cancer) and my parents put their foot down on the matter. I was very scared to sleep on my own, but I dealt with it. … You need to get your wife on the same page. This is ultimately very unfair to you and not really healthy for anyone.”
Another commenter, u/NationalPizza1, broke down the issue into two separate problems instead of one bigger one.
“1. Missing the closeness and private time with your wife,” they said, continuing, “how can you replace that time/closeness, can you add extra date nights, parents only breakfast on the deck etc.?
“2. Wanting the kids to be resilient and able to become functioning adults,” the went on. “Can mom/kid closeness be replaced by a non sleeping activity, like cuddling during a movie? … Maybe a specific night is family sleep over and weeknights are for being brave in your own rooms. Willingness to compromise will get you a lot further than just claiming ‘my house my rules.’”
Hopefully, this is something the original poster’s family will be able to work out with their therapist moving forward. But until then, it sounds like he got a lot of good advice from the internet. (Yes: sometimes that is possible!)
