From the minute my first daughter was born, I was determined to raise her to trust her own voice. To speak up when she wanted to, to share her opinions without fear, to tell people how she felt. Of course, that’s trickier than it sounds. You want to raise a girl who is assertive, but you also don’t want her to confuse it with being disrespectful or rude. You must be polite, but you don’t have to be nice, right? But as my oldest grows and starts spending more time with adults outside of our family and close friends, I want to teach her to remain assertive — specifically with other adults.
As your child grows and their circle expands, the number of strangers they’ll encounter without you by their side goes up. Going over to study at a friend’s house? The friend’s parents. Going to the library? The librarian and other patrons. Attending a field trip? Chaperones. And abuse fears aside (also warranted), there are moments I know my tween will have to be assertive — even against an adult.
It’s a tough situation because we’re often reminding our tweens to be polite, to mind their manners, to listen to the rules. And while I don’t think a tween needs to be ready to stand up to their teacher at every single moment, some situations will inevitably occur. Like a well-meaning parent at a sleepover suggesting the kids put away all their devices, but your tween likes to keep their phone handy so they can call you. Or a summer camp counselor pressuring your tween to try a zipline, but they’re afraid of heights. Or an adult at the neighborhood pool insisting that they show her their membership, but she has no authority over them.
Add into all of this that tweens just get a bad rap — they’re disrespectful, they have an attitude problem, they want everything handed to them — it’s nonstop. But much like describing a woman leader as bossy, I think we’ve misbranded assertive teens who know their own boundaries and stick to them. Who have their thoughts and feelings and know they are valid. Who trust their own judgment and know that grownups aren’t always right.
“While it’s important to encourage politeness and following rules, it’s important for tweens to know they have the right to set boundaries and feel safe, even if it means someone might misunderstand their intentions,” Kathryn Stamoulis, PhD, LMHC, tells Scary Mommy. “This lesson is especially important for girls, who are often socialized to prioritize others’ feelings over their own instincts.”
When it comes to keeping our tweens safe and comfortable and also giving them the ability to use their voice, it’s important to remember that situations may arise that seem very “small potatoes” compared to abuse or harassment from an adult, but they still matter. I know my 10-year-old’s friends. I know her friends’ parents. Do I know them as well as I know our close friends? Of course not. Do I trust them with my daughter? Yes. But I still want my daughter to know she can speak up — like when she’s with a friend’s mom who insists she finish all the food she’s been served, even if she doesn’t like it.
Stamoulis says situations like this are important to teach kids to navigate. “Teaching kids to say, ‘I’m not comfortable with that,’ is an excellent starting mantra. It’s clear and sets a boundary without over-explaining,” she says. “It’s also important to teach them that ‘no’ is a complete sentence; there’s no need to justify or explain their decision. If the situation calls for a more nuanced response, or if they face pushback, they should redirect authority back to their parents. Phrases like, ‘My parents have a rule about that, so I can’t,’ or ‘I need to check with my parents first,’ are both effective and non-confrontational.”
But how do you give them a chance to practice asserting themselves and dealing with the aftermath? Well, you just do. A teacher might accuse them of something they didn’t do; another parent may insist they do something they aren’t comfortable with. And Stamoulis says knowing boundaries and holding firm to them is an absolute life skill — tweens just have to learn that it often comes with discomfort. She says it’s like teaching a child that they don’t have to hug a family member — it’s a big lesson and super valuable. But what’s often left out of that lesson is “the reality that withholding consent can provoke an emotional reaction from the other person.” Stamoulis says teaching your kid how to navigate an adult’s distress or sadness at their boundary-holding is just as important as learning to say no.
“Ideally, you’ve provided your child with opportunities to practice interactions with adults outside of their usual safe spaces while you’re present to support them. If you haven’t started yet, it’s never too late. Instead of stepping in to handle the situation for them, encourage your child to communicate directly, such as sharing their food preferences with an adult at an event. Let them know you’re there to support them if needed, but give them the chance to navigate the interaction independently. With practice, these moments will build their confidence and eventually become an automatic life skill,” she says.
Like most things we teach our kids, experience is where they’re going to get the most lessons, and their intuition will give them a big boost of confidence, too. “Teach them that they don’t have to talk to the neighbor if they’re walking home alone. They don’t have to get in an elevator with a stranger — they can wait for the next one,” Stamoulis says. “Even if that neighbor is a friend of yours, giving your child the autonomy to trust their instincts is invaluable. It reinforces that people-pleasing should never come at the expense of their well-being. These small moments of self-trust can make a significant impact on their ability to navigate the world independently.”
And if someone says they’re being disrespectful, well, f*ck them. We’re raising our tweens to be safe, to be happy, to be comfortable. We aren’t raising them to make anyone else happy.
They don’t have an attitude problem. They’re just self-assured.
