I think the hardest thing about my 40s is I feel like I am out here on my own. There is no safety net. My dad is dead, and my mom hasn’t been the same since he died 20 + years ago. I am responsible for myself and my family. And it’s a lot and lonely. I’m married and have a spouse that I can lean on, but he is navigating his own story, too. We are no longer playing house, and we can’t fuck this up. We have two kids who rely on us for everything, and I often feel like we have no idea what we are doing.
In my 30s, I felt like the whole world was in front of me, and I had all the time I needed. Our babies were born, it felt like the beginning and we were so excited. And I’m not saying your life is ending by 40, but stuff gets real fast. Big things like cancer, divorce, and kids struggling mentally and physically enter your inner bubble. You will be faced with challenges that feel absolutely terrifying, and you’re unsure how to get through it. Sometimes, that feels too much for your relationship, and you worry that you can’t see the other side. But somehow, you do.
All the garbage of your childhood creeps into your daily life and how you react to your kids. You’ll find yourself acting a certain way in moments of pure exhaustion, and you have to recalibrate and ask yourself why you did that. It takes time to become a person who takes responsibility for our actions, healing from our childhoods as we parent our kids. It’s learning to live with how we were raised and coming to terms with how to use that to live our lives now.
I think a lot of us 40-somethings are going through this crap cycle, and I think that’s why it’s hard to make new friends. Behind the small talk at sports practices, we are all struggling. Everyone feels work stress, money stress, health stress — it all comes for you in your 40s. It’s a slog getting through basic stuff daily.
And sometimes, I just don’t have the head space for leisurely laughs and small talk with friends. I’m exhausted. It’s hard to switch gears from worrying about struggling loved ones blowing up your text messages. I want to go home and go to bed. Trying to find the time to hang out feels like it will involve more energy than I have right now. And I often don’t want to explain what’s going on with me. Because frankly, it can be depressing, and I don’t want to dump my shit on you.
Not to mention that I’ve been feeling like physical crap for the past year. I’m tired all the time. It’s partly just living with adult stress, but it’s the beginning of perimenopause too. I come in hot and opinionated. And I say stupid stuff, but I don’t mean it. I’m confused about what’s going on with my body, and I don’t know how to fix it.
My dad died at 54. What if I just had ten years left? I can’t help thinking about it all the time. My sister got breast cancer last September with no family history. She is an incredibly healthy and active person, and it got her. She’s doing great now, but being thrown a curveball like that is jarring. The prospect of losing somebody so crucial feels terrifying.
My kids are entering their tween years, and their school and relationships have become more serious. My friend groups from when they were little kids have broken up. Our kids are interested in different activities, and it’s hard to stay friends when you’re at soccer practice three days a week for one kid and gymnastics three days for the other. And that loss is hard. I shared so much with those women as we were navigating new motherhood. You see each other at the grocery store now, and you know all this history about them, and all you can say is, “How are the kids?” And then wave bye.
I don’t think it’s all bad being in your 40s. Trudging through this, without a doubt, offers wisdom. When you face challenges, the other side of that is more profound empathy. And I think that’s why people say you start caring less about everything as you age. You learn nobody’s life is perfect, and who am I to judge, because life throws you crap that nobody expects.
You find yourself in your 40s. My life before this was just a response to my childhood. I was angry at missed opportunities, and I blamed my parents. My energy was reactionary. But now I’m in charge and can’t blame my life on my parents anymore, even though it’s the easy way out. I’m too old for that. Honestly, they tried their best with what they had.
I’m learning that I am happiest in my garden, making art and cooking. I want to travel and meet new people, and I am trying to find ways to make that a priority in my life. This is just a snapshot of one period of my life that is preparing me for the rest. Each obstacle is a learning experience that gets me to the next. I got this, and I can do this.
Katy Elliott is the Personal Stories Editor at Scary Mommy. She loves to cook, garden and chat with people about anything from your how much you love your kids to how much your kids drive you nuts. She’s a mom to two kids and lives in Marblehead, Massachusetts.
