Can I borrow some of that goblin sleep potion? I would also like to talk to my knees.
Summary
The Wesley brothers try their hands at a steam boiler in the Effing Forest and blow themselves up, and Harry wakes Moist in the middle of the night in a panic over it. Moist tells him and Dick Simnel to meet him in the forest. He meets the local publican, finds out what happened to the young men, keeps the press away from their mother, and holds a little press conference. Simnel tells the group that he is sorry for what happened to the brothers and promises to share information about steam engines at his own school to prevent these accidents from happening again. Simnel creates a t’turning table to turn the engine around, and Harry panics over the other people learning to build steam engines and finding out what their patents will and won’t protect them from. (Thunderbolt tells them not to worry about it.) Vetinari tells Moist that the new priority is getting a nonstop line to Uberwald, and that he wants it done as quickly as possible, no excuses, which horrifies Moist, who was hoping to slow down for a bit and also doesn’t think it can be done. Harry makes certain to take care of the Wesley brothers’ mother and sells a few shares in the railway to get money for the steel needed to build the line to Uberwald. The Quirm stop opens to much celebration and pomp.
Constable Feeny Upshot notices the goblins doing work underground and learns that they’re planning to make a railway there for goblins to get around faster. Moist meets Georgina Bradshaw, a widow who has been using the train to see the world in her later years. He has the idea to have her write up travel tips and guides for people using the railway and advises Harry to let her travel for free to that end. The railway is growing and the artificers are making toy train sets, and Moist is getting so little sleep that Of the Twilight the Darkness gives him a goblin potion, which makes him very high and then knocks him right out for excellent sleep. King Rhys makes the choice to go to an important summit in Quirm, as the grags have been quiet of late. Moist is working along the railway constantly now and gets a clacks from Adora Belle, telling him Vetinari needs to see him immediately. He heads back to the city to find the Patrician again insisting that the line to Uberwald must be completed even faster, and that the future may depend on it. Moist names his golem horse Flash, and tells Harry they have to speed up building again. The first train crash occurs, not on their line but a private one, when the entrepreneurs in question mess with the system Simnel helped them develop.
A troll named Crackle and a dwarf named Dopey Docson meet in a coffee shop along the railway, discover they’re both librarians, and though they’re both married, begin to fall in love and leave together. A coup occurs while King Rhys is in Quirm, though Albrecht tries to put a stop to it. Moist is woken in the middle of the night again and summoned to the palace, then informed by Vetinari that the unfinished railway to Uberwald must transport the Low King, his retinue, and an armed Watch escort back home to end said coup. Vimes advises Moist to find Bashfull Bashfullson in all those for aid. Simnel insists that they use the Iron Girder for the job, certain that she’s the best in an emergency. Moist meets with King Rhys and insists on keeping the plan to get him home a secret until most of his court have left the room, knowing that there could be a spy among them. The Low King goes to Harry and Effie’s for dinner and when he questions Moist’s plan, Moist promises that the railway will be ready to get them to Uberwald on time despite the lack of laid track at present. Vetinari notes that he’s made this promise in a room full of people with excellent memories.
As they’re eating, Vimes informs the group that the Low King has departed for Uberwald by fast coach; this is a ruse, and Cheery and a group of his officers are the ones inside. King Rhys and Moist are disguised and everyone board the Iron Girder and sets off. Delver groups begin attacking the decoy coaches and don’t fare well. They travel a while and stay with Dick Simnel’s mother—there’s something wrong, but she won’t tell Moist what it is. Moist and the king change disguises the next morning and head for the train, with Moist dressed as an engineer this time. He notes a suspicious dwarf (and a partner elsewhere) pretending to be a train spotter and questions him; when the dwarf is visibly nervous and unprepared, Moist pulls the cord to stop the train. Vimes questions the pair and gets all the information he needs, with his first set of coveted names. He sends them to the Patrician once they hit the next stop, promising to keep their families safe, provided they aren’t lying. Moist is impressed and Vimes is pleased; they continue their journey onward. Moist is beset by an uneasy feeling that everything is going too well at the moment…
Commentary
The commentary about the goblins changing as they assimilate is particularly wrenching at this point, namely in the segment where we revisit Feeney Upshot and find the goblins in his district hammering away at an underground train. He sees how they’ve changed their ways in order to become a part of this new world, and it upsets him to realize that Goblins are becoming “men” in a way—Feeney realizes that this is a kind of theft from the world. This can work to the opposite effect too, of course; sometimes diaspora groups will cleave more closely to the ways of their homeland to avoid losing touch, and become more rigid than they would be at home, as a result. But if you choose to join with another culture, as many of the goblins are doing now, you’re going to lose your own, bit by bit.
It’s properly nerve-racking as the story continues precisely because we’ve had the last two to back it up: Now the fun becomes the knowledge that Moist von Lipwig has a penchant for pulling miracles out of thin air, and everyone knows it. He has to do it again. Everyone expects him to. Everyone is relying on the brilliance that always explodes under pressure. And it’s true that Moist enjoys that part of things, but also that this undertaking is far less under his control than the others.
And that’s a particularly clever way of increasing the stakes for a conman who is very good at managing others—there are simply too many moving parts to the railway for him to have an eye on everything. The plan to get the Low King to safety has him in a panic because he’s far too aware of the fact that so many pieces of this journey are completely outside of his control. Close quarters delegation is very different from trusting thing from afar.
I have to appreciate that the plot creates perfect terms to tie the railway with the progress that is making the grags angry, and then conceives of a reason why the end of the book has to take place on the train in order to stop them. It’s very neatly done, is my point. And then we get the enjoyment of watching many of our favorite players throughout the Ankh-Morpork situated books come together in service of that plot.
Which leads to one of Vimes’ best interrogation scenes. The acknowledgement that when Sam Vimes does his job correctly, he’s no different than a con artist is such a pointed way to show him from the outside. Vimes himself also notes that what he does is really no different from the grags (with the threatening in order to get what they what), just that he believes he’s nicer about it and “on the right side.” Which… yeesh. A good reminder, as always. It’s fun to find those lines where you you love someone as a character, but would not feel the same way if you met them in real life.
Asides and little thoughts
- This bit about the Wesley brothers: His brother watched in admiration and a certain amount of trepidation, or it would have been trepidation had he known the word existed. This is an actual feature of language—you can’t experience things you don’t have words for. Language shapes our reality in a very literal sense because of this. (You can’t see colors that you don’t have names for, a thing that broke my brain a little when I learned it.)
- The meeting between Crackle and Dopey is basically Pratchett’s very own coffee shop AU, and I would like more of it, please.
- I did giggle at Vimes “no ticket”ing the dwarfs when Moist stops the train to catch them.
- Vimes: “I wonder what his lordship will say about my lovely list of names? I reckon he’ll go right past acerbic en route to ironic and end up slap bang in sardonic without even taking a breath.” Buddy, you are in public right now?? Keep it in your pants?
Pratchettisms
There is something vaguely worrying about the word ‘reckon’ that leaves the ear, for many hard to understand reasons, wishing it was something else a little more certain and a little less frightening.
Thunder rolled around the mountains, like the marbles of the gods.
He put it down as a place to avoid unless you like bad cooking and banjos.
“You majesty, pressure is where I start,” said Moist.
Moist forced his face to go so deadpan that it might have actually been dead.
The outside air was permeating the carriages now with the scent of the Sto Plains, which consisted of one scent and that was cabbage or cabbage-like and it was a sad smell, it drooped helplessness. Melancholy. Mind you, the cabbages themselves were excellent, especially the new varieties.
Too much traveling on the railway could turn you into a philosopher, although, he conceded, not a very good one.
Next week we’ll finish the book!
